Hurry Man: The Irrelevant Virtue of Unnecessary Hurrying

6:00 AM. First Alarm (Plays Walk – Foo Fighters). It’s six! How soon does it get six, man? Wake up, Hurry Man. Wait, Cab arrives at 7:30. Snooze.

6:30 AM. Second Alarm (Plays Redneck – Lamb of God). Damn, I hate my choice of loud alarms. Mom shouts. Don’t miss your cab. Wake up, Hurry Man! Wait, I still have an hour. Snooze.

6:45 AM. Last Alarm (Plays the verse of Use Somebody – Kings of Leon). Aaaaaargh! This is the last alarm bro. Mom Shouts again. Get up you lazy bum. You are going to miss your cab. Ok. Wakes up. Checks all notifications, Facebook - you bugger. Damn. It’s 6:55. Get up, Hurry Man! Rushes to the bathroom.

6:56 AM. Come on man, push it out of your system (No diggity – Chet Faker plays in the background). Soft music helps. Come on, hurry man. Checks time. Damn, you should have woken up at the first alarm. Checks notifications again. Opens tinder (No shame), swipes to find some suitable partner to horse around with. Left, Left, Left, Left - Fake, Left - Super-Fake, Sapiosexual (Ah! Opens profile – finds 4 grammatical errors - Fake Sapiosexual – Left, Hypocrisy is when your grammar is worse.), Right (YES!), Superlike (HELL YES!), No likes to self. Wish I had muscles, sigh! Disappointment helps push bowels faster. You feel better than the shit you give and take. 7:10 AM! HOLY SHIT. Fuck you Tinder. You’re going to miss your cab, man. Hurry Man!

7:11 AM. Stuffs mouth with toothpaste. Toggles playlist with left hand. 3 minutes for brushing teeth, 7 minutes for bathing, 8 minutes for changing. Yeah, I can do it before 7:30. The driver can wait for a couple of minutes (Plays Mi Swing Es Tropical – Quantic and Nickodemis. Boogaloo is fun while bathing, trust me). Cleans up. Forgot to shave man. Don’t have time man. Got to be prepared, have a presentation. I think I can bathe faster and make up for lost time. Hurry Man!

7:15 AM. Every minute is crucial. Smears foam all over. Thank god for 4 razor blades, Shave done in one go (Sings Homenaje Al Beny). 7:19!!!! HURRY MAN! Completes ablutions in record 5 minutes (Victory March) (Sings I like it like that – Pete Rodriguez). Damn, where’s my shirt. MOM! Where’s my shirt?!!! I’m getting late!! Mom gives a taunt. Wears whatever he sees. You’re going to miss your cab, man. Hurry Man!

7:27 AM. Cab driver calls. ‘Bhaiya 2 minatt mein pahunch raha hun, niche aa jaiye’. Coming! Coming! I scream, even after he hangs up. You gotta fill your bottle man. Stay hydrated, only way you can push those lithographic formations in your kidneys. Runs around like a mad man. Dad screams – ‘Jaldi utha karo!’ Stops playing music. Packs stuff. Novel – check, headset – check, wallet – check, glasses – check, watch – check, access card – check. Phone rings again. ‘Bhaiya aa jaao!’ AAYA!! 2 minatt! Stuffs some fruits and some juice (Thanks Dad!). Hurry Man!

7:34 AM. Cab driver cribbing. ‘Bhaiya traffic badh jaayega, jaldi karo’. Drive, bugger. Picks up one colleague. Picks up second (Plays Si Quires Bailar – Pete Rodriguez, you gotta find more songs man.). Ok, start reading. Gotta finish this book by next week. Have a big backlog. Reads, makes incessant co-pilot brakes, rants at wrong side drivers, and reckless jay-walkers. The driver rushes like a madman. Have a call at 9:30. Just pray there is no traffic. Ouch, Dhaula Kuan jam-packed (Plays Kick out the jams – Rage Against the Machine), find some other way man. Hurry Man!

9:26 AM. Reaches office. Runs the stairs, no time for the elevator man. Gotta connect to the call man. Checks mail, call cancelled, but shitloads of work. Call cancelled due to apparent heavy work load. Can’t waste time man. Colleague: ‘Naashta?’ Me: ‘No man! Gotta hurry man!’ Deployment window from 10:30 AM to 11:00 AM. Wankers couldn’t spare us another 30 minutes? Sumit, start prepping up Pre-Prod. We have to validate and run the code once before deployment. Bhai, Code fatt gaya. Check karo. Access nahin hai. DBA ko pakdo. Client ki Maa Ka Jhopda. 10:01 AM: Service Desk – ‘Ticket raise karo, SLA k hisaab se resolve karenge’. 10:15 AM: Bhai chal gaya (Plays Looking out my door – Creedence Clearwater Revival). Check access in PROD. NAHIN HAI! BC raise request. Client ki Maa Ka Jhopda! Gotta be ready before 10:30 man. We are gonna miss our window man. Hurry Man!

11:00 AM. Goes for breakfast. Plays TT. Manager comes at 12. Gotta prep up some status report before he comes. 11:51 AM: Score 3-7 in my favor. Gotta finish this man, Hurry Man! 12:15 PM: Not happy with how the deployment went today, Harsh. You have to be more ‘PROACTIVE’ (Say PROACTIVE one more time, I dare you, I double dare you Muffaka!). Unnecessary justifications, lame excuses, blame games, let it go man. ‘I’ll keep it in mind next time boss’ (Plays Small Axe – Bob Marley, If you are a big tree, I’m a Small Axe, sharpened to cut you down). Rebel mode ‘ON’. Let’s go for a tea, man. Bitches about everyone. Makes fun of funny Russky accent of the client manager (He’s a very nice guy though). Discusses foolish politics and current affairs. 1:05 PM: Gotta have lunch man, have to sit with Hemant for the Project Delivery Presentation. Let’s eat fast man. Hurry Man!

2:15 PM. Tired of hurrying. Let’s read something man (Plays My Heart Beats like a Hammer – BB King). Opens Wikipedia, starts reading random, passive aggressive, bullshit. Forgot to work on the presentation.

3 PM.  Hemant - ‘What progress did you make over weekend?’

Harsh – ‘None Hemant, wasn’t at home.’ Sheepishly agrees to excessive drinking over weekend.

Hemant - ‘Make some progress and come when you are prepared, stop wasting my time’

Harsh – ‘I’ll come up with something by 4:30 PM.’ - Runs out embarrassed.

3:10 PM. Rebel mode – Super ‘ON’. Updates profile on Naukri. Applies to all companies. Strawberry Infotech (WTFLOL, what stupid name is that?! Apply Anyway). Gotta be ready before 4:30, need to save my rapport before 4:30 PM. Hurry Man!

4:20 PM. Pings Hemant.

Harsh – The Presentation is ready

Hemant – Seriously? Everything?

Harsh – Yeah. Added all the data, cut down slides from 18 to 12 too.

Hemant – Come to my room.

5:00 PM. Receives email that you have been rewarded for exceptional performance. The Avanade Orange Award - Client champion. Woohoo! Atleast some respite from the regular dose of bullshit (Plays Kansas City Star – Roger Miller). Gotta wrap up the remaining work man. Have to leave at 6:30. No point in extending and sucking up to traffic. Carrots and sticks aside, Hurry Man!

6:30 PM. Sits in cab, plugs in music (Plays Passive – A Perfect Circle). Reflects on the day, dead tired, tries to catch some rest. Driver drives around like a madman on cocaine. Gurgaon - Jammed, Dhaula Kuan - Jammed, Naraina - Jammed, Life – Jammed! Driver takes some unknown routes, no roads, all potholes, driving on the edges with a fear of slipping into ditches, but doesn’t matter man. I just want to reach home man. Drive wherever you want to, I want to reach home man, just Hurry Man!

8:30 PM. Reaches home all mindfucked. Thank God mom doesn’t watch daily soaps. Switches on TV, lies down in Lord Vishnu pose in front of the TV. Waits for the dinner call. Eats, goes back to TV, and checks some good channel, flips on a stupid movie which has already been seen 21752635723 times. Wastes time as subject is mindfucked enough to not concentrate on anything else. Checks time. Shit! 11:30 PM! WTF Man! Gotta Sleep Man! Just wait for the climax to end. Runs off to bed. Let me just my facebook/Insta/Snapchat first. WTF man 12:30! No more man, sleep on time man, Hurry Man!

Writing such a big rant in office, 4:00 PM already! Gotta send some emails man! Hurry Man!